12 year anniversary

It was a decade ago that my life changed forever. No I am not talking about when I came to Christ, I am talking about the death of my father. To this day I still remember that day so clearly. The phone call, the ambulance, the room we where in when my mother came in and told us our father had just passed away. But what I remember most is the calm that God gave me amongst the storm that day. There was a moment, maybe 5 seconds in length that was between me and God. Some people receive moment's like this in the midst of their storm, other's do not. I will never take that moment for granted. You see while my mother was on the phone with the 911 operator she told me to go in and try and wake up my dad. By this time I am guessing he was in a coma, I don't know for sure all I know is he wasn't responsive. But after I scooped up my dad into my little arm's and with tears streaming down my face I pleaded by whispering in his ear "Daddy please wake up, daddy please!" It was the most genuine plea I have ever made and one I never hope to have to make again.  I felt like a little kid trying to wake up her dad so that they can go outside and play ball. Then after I uttered those six words, God spoke to me in the clearest, most gentle whisper I have ever heard; "He's not there, he's gone." That was the moment I knew my father was dead. The emergency crew wasn't even there yet, the doctor's at the hospital hadn't even called it yet and I knew my father was dead.

The next six years where filled with responsibility, to do list's, studying and sports which left me no time to grieve. One of the danger's of being a logical, internal processor and a compartmentalizer is that we have the ability to look at a situation, see how long the emotion, reaction and healing will take and then can choose whether to walk through it or put it on the shelf for later. I made the conscious decision to put it on the shelf for six years. During that time I graduated high school, started college, quite college and walked away from the Lord. My anger and rage took complete control of my life and all I knew is that I never signed up for or asked God for what had happened. I was simply too young to deal with such a devastating thing as watching my father die.

Yet through it all, the rebellion, the anger and yelling at God, He patiently waited for His precious little daughter to come back to Him. There has never been a more strategic move of pursal by God in my life. He placed each person and the exact moment I needed them so that I could start the healing process. Before I knew it I was back at church, working through the rage, anger and pain of the life that God had given me.

Through those six years He brought me to a place of healing and conviction for those who have lost a loved one and gave me a desire to minister to His people. He gave me a heart for His body, in particular His leadership. He redeemed my pointless life and gave me purpose and a calling.

I look back to that day quite often especially as I get older. For years I asked God why He did it, why He called my father home. Some years after my father had died God answered that question.

Every time someone close to me loose a loved one, I understand. My father is not the only one that God has called from this earth, I have lost 12 people in my life in the last 12 years. Some believers some not. Yet through all of this I know that God has called me to love His people, to walk through these types of trials with them and understand their process without having to speak a word.

He has called me to tell others that there is a choice to grieve and become healthy or to compress those feelings until you burst. The choice I made caused me to walk away from the Lord. Yet that does not have to be the result for others. That one of the reason's why I lost my father.

The pain becomes less as the years go on but the grieving does not end. There are days and years that are harder than others but I have never felt God's presence more than I have through this process. Nor have I felt more honored to be the one He chose for this journey.