I am the battlefield

Last night I felt the tug. A tug to pick up my journal and commune with the Lord. Frankly, I was too exhausted pick up a pen or a computer to write. Not, tonight I told Him I'll do it tomorrow.

You see, I have been battling a very strong virus the last two weeks. One that has taken over my digestive system not showing an ounce of mercy. Then yesterday WHAM, a cold coming on, really? When you are gluten intolerant and allergic to most things your immune system is shot. Hence me being sick more often than not.

This is one of my battlefields, my body. Most people have spiritual attacks and trials in life through situations, interactions, etc. My spiritual attacks also happen through my immune system. As I even write to you I am bundled up on the couch, with tissue in hand, sipping hot tea.

This season for me has been a season of immense spiritual growth and reconstruction. As I picked up my journal and pen I decided to listen to two songs that encompass the last year for me so that I might be able to pull out some of the emotion that is bottled up deep inside. As I listened JJ Heller (No Fight Left) sang :
       

There is no fight left

On the inside

 But maybe that's where I should be

 I've given up trying

 I'm giving it all to you

Then Tamela Mann (Take Me to the King) sang:

Truth is I'm tired 

Options are few

I'm trying to pray

But where are you?

I'm all churched out

Hurt and abused

I can't fake

What's left to do?

Truth is I'm weak

No strength to fight

No tears to cry

Even if I tried

But still my soul

Refuses to die

One touch will change my life

Take me to the King

I don't have much to bring 

My hearts torn in pieces

It's my offering 

Lay me at the throne 

Leave me there alone 

To gaze upon Your glory 

And sing to You this song

Please take me to the King

Sometimes I go to the Psalms because David so perfectly communicates the internal battles of a believer. Other times I refer to music. Tonight was a night of pure spiritual warfare. Satan attacked my self worth, my confidence, my relationship with God, and God's character. So what does one do in those situations?

There is only one four letter word I can think of to combat this kind of evening. P-R-A-Y. Pray like Jesus prayed when He was tempted, pray like David did in all of the Psalms, pray like Ester did right before she went before the King because prayer changes things. 

Each step I take toward God is one more step away from who I used to be and what I used to believe about God and His character. It's a conscious choice I have to make day in and day out but it's a choice I am choosing to make. Some days I drag my feet more than others but I make that choice. 

Will I wake up tomorrow and have some grand epiphany and no longer struggle with this? Probably not, but will I choose to walk through this no matter if my legs stop working again or my back seizes up and I'm back on a couch? Unequivocally...Y-E-S. 

I share my struggles never to brag or boast, but to show that everyone struggles. And everyone feels a little more comfort knowing others that struggle. So I chose to share some of those struggles with you. Raw, unfiltered, uncut because that is how I am and how God has made me. You aren't alone. We should be gleaning off one another that why I write. So take heart, we take one battle at a time and remember, we already know who wins. We got eternity waiting for us and that's not bad.