There has been a lot in life I had to wrestle with this last year. My biggest hurdle, which touches every part of my life, has been the goodness of God. Now I know some Christians reading this might be like, "What??? How can you ever doubt that? He's God. He is good. Case closed." For those who have never doubted, that is a gift. For me and my relationship with God, I have doubted. Like any relationship in your life, if a person hurts you, you have damage. Pain has been caused. I was no different from where I stood. God did something that turned my world upside down and the path that I was on, the path I thought He had me on, was no more. How could a good God let me hurt so much? How could a good God not give me the blessings I thought I wanted? How could a good God break my heart?
Over this last year I have learned slowly but surely why my path was altered. Why I didn't want the path I was on and am now so grateful to not be on. What I also did not want is all the work, hurt and pain I would learn I had towards God and life. I sit here typing not because I can say God has brought me out of that desert place, not because I have had some "aha" moment and my life is all rainbows and butterflies- I sit here writing this because it's not. I'm still in a place of hurt, trying to believe again in the goodness of God and that He loves me...but today I had a moment.
*Let me just disclaim right now I know in my head that God is good but there is what I call a static disconnect between my head and my heart right now in my life and that is what God and I are working on. Just want to clarify: I do love Jesus, I do have a relationship with Him, and, no, my salvation is not in jeopardy.
After service at church they play a few songs every Sunday. This is my time, I love singing. Most days I miss leading worship and the intimacy that you have with the Lord as you do it. The connection that happens as you do it, the just "you and Him" moments. Today's set list included "Oh God" by Citizens and "How He Loves" by David Crowder.
Excited to sing "How He Loves" because I love the harmonies and just wanting to show off my harmonizing skills in general to the random people standing around me (selfish, I know, but just keeping it real), I start to sing the song.
"He is jealous for me
Loves Like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me
Oh, How He loves us so
Oh, How He loves us
How He loves us so"
Just as I close my eyes with my hands in praying position, talking to the Lord, "God, I so want to fully believe this, not just know this in my head." I start to sing out loud when all of a sudden two arms come around me. A head presses up against mine and the sweetest voice starts singing those words over again in my ear...no, in my heart. I break and almost instantaneously I am met with a flood of emotion. Tears fill my eyes and stream down my face, my shoulders are bouncing up and down due to the weeping that is occurring in my heart and in my body. Her grip becomes tighter and she sings a little louder, but now she is also crying with me. She knows. She knows my hurt, she knows my pain. God sent her over at that exact moment for something I didn't even know I needed. The prayer I had just internally prayed was unfolding before me. What I heard from God in that moment was the faintest whisper saying, "See, I do love you."
I can't begin to tell you what that did internally for me today because I don't even know. But what I do know is that for the first time in a really really long time, I worshipped- genuinely and authentically worshipped. I actually felt the Holy Spirit separating through the mess that is inside me. This morning I had a moment. Today I will take that that moment. I don't know how my afternoon will go or my evening, but this morning I had a moment with the Lord.
Over this last year I have learned slowly but surely why my path was altered. Why I didn't want the path I was on and am now so grateful to not be on. What I also did not want is all the work, hurt and pain I would learn I had towards God and life. I sit here typing not because I can say God has brought me out of that desert place, not because I have had some "aha" moment and my life is all rainbows and butterflies- I sit here writing this because it's not. I'm still in a place of hurt, trying to believe again in the goodness of God and that He loves me...but today I had a moment.
*Let me just disclaim right now I know in my head that God is good but there is what I call a static disconnect between my head and my heart right now in my life and that is what God and I are working on. Just want to clarify: I do love Jesus, I do have a relationship with Him, and, no, my salvation is not in jeopardy.
After service at church they play a few songs every Sunday. This is my time, I love singing. Most days I miss leading worship and the intimacy that you have with the Lord as you do it. The connection that happens as you do it, the just "you and Him" moments. Today's set list included "Oh God" by Citizens and "How He Loves" by David Crowder.
Excited to sing "How He Loves" because I love the harmonies and just wanting to show off my harmonizing skills in general to the random people standing around me (selfish, I know, but just keeping it real), I start to sing the song.
"He is jealous for me
Loves Like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me
Oh, How He loves us so
Oh, How He loves us
How He loves us so"
Just as I close my eyes with my hands in praying position, talking to the Lord, "God, I so want to fully believe this, not just know this in my head." I start to sing out loud when all of a sudden two arms come around me. A head presses up against mine and the sweetest voice starts singing those words over again in my ear...no, in my heart. I break and almost instantaneously I am met with a flood of emotion. Tears fill my eyes and stream down my face, my shoulders are bouncing up and down due to the weeping that is occurring in my heart and in my body. Her grip becomes tighter and she sings a little louder, but now she is also crying with me. She knows. She knows my hurt, she knows my pain. God sent her over at that exact moment for something I didn't even know I needed. The prayer I had just internally prayed was unfolding before me. What I heard from God in that moment was the faintest whisper saying, "See, I do love you."
I can't begin to tell you what that did internally for me today because I don't even know. But what I do know is that for the first time in a really really long time, I worshipped- genuinely and authentically worshipped. I actually felt the Holy Spirit separating through the mess that is inside me. This morning I had a moment. Today I will take that that moment. I don't know how my afternoon will go or my evening, but this morning I had a moment with the Lord.
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