Singleness, really? At all these Christmas events and desserts and all these bible studies why is singleness the topic of conversation at some point? I mean Christmas is about Jesus' birth not the state of whether I put Ms. or Mrs. in front of my name.
Doing singleness well has been the desire of my heart for the last year but I have to admit, singleness isn't my preference. I was made to be a helpmate and a teammate to someone, to be the image of Christ in a marriage that refines both and exudes Christ blessings and grace on us. And yet live your life (singleness) well is a pep talk that the Lord had with me months ago and that has been the utmost yet most painful desire of my heart. If it were my preference I wouldn't have any kind of desire in there at all. I would just get side swiped by a man coming up to me and sharing his desire to court me towards marriage. Yet the conversation that rings louder than most continues to this day ring in my ears. "Brittany God wants to show you you have the capacity to love." These wise words came from my disciplers husband over a year ago. These are the words that I still remember when I sit asking the Lord why such desires are so strong, so deeply rooted and yet so unfulfilled. "Why did you make me this way?" "Why would I have such a season as this?" "Why can't I have him?" "Why can't I be graced with a family of my own?"
In all of this I became painfully away of the amount of me's and I's that occur in these conversations. It is good to have desires like this these are God given desires. But where on the importance scale this lies I am constantly trying to ensure it lies below God. Some days are easier than others. Some days are just plain hard and painful but my accountability partner gave me this to think through once..."Do you trust the Lord with your singleness?" This question hit me to my very core because I couldn't in all honesty say a resounding yes. It broke me. Yet another area to grow in and my sin laying there for the world to see.
All I could do was shed tears and take it to the Lord and ask for forgiveness. The truth is I may never have this desire met but I will learn to trust the Lord with it. As painful as it is and as much as I would like to take it into my own hands my ways are not His. His ways are higher than mine. So until the day I will walk in all realness about this part of my life. I will have good days and bad days. Loving life and longing for something deep within. Until then:
Lord capture my heart and protect it. Hold it for who you would send
I have loved him from the moment you set the desire in my heart
Let him fall in love with who You are in me
Let me be ready as ready can be
Allow me to be my best as you prepare him to be his best
Lord I pray for him and desire for him to love you more than any other
Father hold my desires close to your chest that you would prepare me
You know my desires and you know your daughter
You formed me and molded me and I ask that you Holy Spirit help me to trust you with even this
Until the day you fulfill this I will wait and CHOOSE to trust
One day Lord One day
Until then I will wait for you
I will pray for you
I will love you
No comments:
Post a Comment